simp

You Might Be A Simp

Simpin’. If you’re a frequent visitor to this website, (shout out to all 35 of you muthafuckas!)you’ve probably seen this word or variations of it peppered throughout our sophomoric rantings. But, what is simpin’ and what does it mean to be a simp? Traditionally a slur used by those in the sporting life (the underworld of pimping and prostitution, for you master degree niggas) to describe lackluster pimps, simping is, by its most eloquent definition, the act of a man forgoing or outright sacrificing his integrity for the affections of a woman. Thus, a simp is one who perpetuates these acts. The simp affliction often goes undetected, usually because the victim thinks he’s got everything all figured the fuck out and would rather continue being some woman’s handyman/driver/guidance counselor/ATM, than reach out to a player and get some of this muthafuckin’ ism, ya feel me? Sadly, simping is as common among men today as breathing and eating.

” Now I can devote 2/3 of my day to simpin’!”

  9 times out of 10, you have committed at least one simp act within the last week. Hell, even the coldest of p.i.’s have admitted to falling victim to the simp scourge at one point or another. In it’s most wretched form, simpin’ has been the cause of freedom and even lives lost. Well, we here at KILLTHEGIRLS.com are loyal soldiers in the war against simpin’. We have been expertly trained and tested through battle and are prepared to meet the simp menace with the might of a thousand macks! We are looking for a few good players to join the rebellion and to aid us in the recruiting process, we have compiled a list of characteristics that might qualify one as a simp. But, fear not, young padawan, for if you find that you may exhibit one or more of these simp-toms, (HA!!, sorry) there is help. Immediately upon finishing the post, return to this introduction and press this link (don’t press the link yet, smartass, read the post like I just told you to do. You’re gonna click it anyway, aren’t you?). Here you will find your salvation out of the hells of bitchassness and simpdom and into the comforting bosom of the Game. Godspeed.

If your girlfriend/wife cheated on you and you’re still with her, you MIGHT be a simp.

-” I love you so much, boo. It’s me and you against the worl– ayo, T.J. can you move your hand for a sec, bruh?”
-”No.”

If you have attempted to confront/fight/spy on/kill your ex girlfriend’s new nigga, you MIGHT be a simp.

“AAAAARGH!!! I’M GONNA STAB YOU WITH THIS THINGY THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE A KNIFE BUT I’M NOT REALLY SURE, CUZ THIS PIC IS LAME AS FUCK!! AAAARGH!!”

If you refuse to take financial responsibility for your children because their mother is with a new nigga, you MIGHT be a simp.

-”Daddy, for just 70 cents a day you can feed us a–”
-”TELL YOUR MUVAH TO TELL THAT NIGGA SHE FUCKIN’ TO GIVE Y’ALL 70 CENTS A DAY! FUCK OUTTA HERE!!”

If you are currently trying to wife a stripper, you MIGHT be a simp.

“… Jeremy knew at that very moment, he had found the hoe that would one day become his housewife.”

If your wife/girlfriend has ever had a train ran on her and you are aware of it, you MIGHT be a simp.

Pictured l to r: Rip Van, Dick Klark, Jennifer Love Doit, James Biggs, and Reese Powers from ‘Grandpop Gangbang Initiations #3′

If you are taking care of a child who you discovered through DNA testing is not yours, you MIGHT be a simp.

“So, nobody –nobody’s gonna tell this poor bastard the truth, huh. We’re just gonna go with the whole albino thing, is that it? And I just giggle and smile and do the goo-goo gah-gah bit, right. Pretty fucked up, mom. Pretty fucked up, indeed.”

If you serve as transportation and/or provider of food and shelter for a woman you are not currently sleeping with, you MIGHT be a simp.

“So you don’t think this hat and gloves make me look like a chaffeur? Really? I don’t know, I kinda feel like an asshole,but whatever. Anything for you, my sweet. Now, how bout a kiss. Oh after I drive you to Taco Bell, pay for your Doritos Locos combo meal, drive you back home and fix your broken toilet so you can shit said combo meal, then you’ll think about it? Well what are we waiting for, mon cherie? Your chariot awaits.”

If your girlfriend dresses like a prostitute and she is NOT a prostitute, you MIGHT be a simp.

“So, what do you think, baby? Is the purse too much for bible study tonight or what? Yes, no?”

If you have ever tried to justify spending exorbitant amounts of money on women you are not in relationships with as anything other than tricking, you MIGHT be a simp.

“Hmmmm, I guess we have ourselves somewhat of a dilemma. I tell you what, see if it can fit my ass.”

If your mother does not like your current girlfriend AND your mother is one of the following:

A) Happily married

B) Non- judgmental

C) Extremely considerate of others feelings and circumstances

D) An overall decent person

Then you MIGHT be a simp.

“I know you love her, dear, but I didn’t raise you to be wifin’ up skanks.”

To be continued…

Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Halle Berry’s titties.

” Terrell, you are such a FUCKING asshole, do you know that.?”
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